Free Tickets
by Tsugi
Summary: Mordin takes the crew of the Normandy 2 to the theater to see the Elcor performance of Hamlet. Disaster ensues.


**Free Tickets**

Author's note: I did this for a Kinkmeme. Check it out.

Mordin loves the theater, right? He treats everyone to a showing of Elcor Hamlet to celebrate returning through the Omega-4 Relay.

Cue the squad suffering and coming up with ways to combat their boredom.

_The Collectors. Gone. Finally. No more torture. Free. We are all a__lmost free. Interesting to study - Learned many things. They were indoctrinated. Dangerous. So many lives lost._

_We did it. Returned. The Omega-4 Relay was insane. A victory I never wish to relive._

_Now I'm tired. We're all tired. Distraught. Angry. Need a break._

Mordin looks up from his desk. Head still in his hands. He sits up completely and wipes the beginning of a tear away from underneath his eye. As he begins to put his research away he turns his arm and begins to operate his Omni-tool.

"Search: Citadel, plays, next showings, times, ticket prices."

The screen pops up a bunch of options. The scientist scrolls through them all. Only a few interest him.

"Select: Hamlet, Elcor, Tomorrow."

The next screen pops up with all the information. Mordin practically jumps for joy, almost knocking over his desk. He has to scramble to save the microscope from smashing to a million pieces on the floor.

"Yes! That's perfect." He claps his hands in utter excitement. "We could make that. If the commander will land on the Citadel."

Mordin begins to email Shepard, hoping she will receive the message in time, when he ceases and decides to run up to her cabin instead. He puts his gloves and goggles back on their shelf and leaves the lab.

"Good morning, Mordin."

Mordin jumps and lets out a little scream as he bumps into the wall known as Grunt. Catching his breath, he replies, "Good morning, Grunt. You scared me."

"As usual."

Mordin raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me. Need to see the commander."

"Who? Shepard?" Grunt laughs. "She's not on the ship!"

"What?" Mordin says in surprise. "When'd she leave?"

A moment of silence then, "I didn't."

Mordin and Grunt turn their heads to the voice. Grunt mumbles, "Damn it."

"Stop fucking with the Salarian, Grunt." Shepard lightly taps him. "Bad Krogan. Go lay down."

"I respect you, REMEMBER THAT!" Grunt stomped away like a scorned child.

"So, what's up, my scientist Salarian?"

"Thank you for that. Krogans are violent. Absolutely terrifying. I-"

Shepard interrups his ranting before it gets too bad. "You were looking for me?"

"OH. Yes. RIght." Mordin racked his brain for a minute. "What was I...?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "YES, Citadel." Mordin shook his head a little. "Can we land on the Citadel soon? I want us all to spend some time together before we part."

"Ya know. That sounds feasible." Shepard calls out, "Joker, reroute for the Citadel."

"A little bossy today, aren't we?" Joker laughs a little.

"Jeff, it would be advisable not to talk to your commander in such a derogatory manner. She-"

"Shuttup, EDI."

Shepard smirks.

"On route, commander." Joker puts in the coordinates and they all slightly felt the ship change its directions.

"Jeez, Joker." Shepard caught her balance by knocking over Mordin. "Sorry."

You could hear Joker giggle.

Mordin, picking himself off the floor, turned back into his office. He looked again at his Omni-tool and placed a call to a special friend. Before the Elcor could answer the call, Mordin screamed into the Omni-tool. "I need 15 tickets to your show tonight, Condar!"

"Amused Expression of Joy: Of course, my dear friend. That will be simple. The show is donation basis only. Please feel free to bring as many guests as you like."

"Thank you. I will see you there!"

Mordin ran out the lab door, again running into someone.

"Whoa, Speedy!" Garrus caught him by the collar to keep him from falling. "Where you going in _such_ a hurry?"

"I need to see the commander again."

"_Again?_ How can you put up with her more than once at a- Hello, Shepard!"

Shepard lets a laugh creep out from between her lips. "You are a jackass."

Garrus smiles and turns to leave.

"You're not keeping an eye on me, are you?" Mordin said, starting to feel nervous.

"No, I am just hanging about the Galaxy Map. Why do you ask?"

"It's just weird." Mordin composes himself. "I need you to let me make an announcement, please, Commander."

Shepard nods. "Joker-"

"I heard. Here ya go, Mordin."

Shepard throws her hands up, "Why do I even try?"

Mordin pipes up, trying to speak loud and clear. "I have an announcement everyone! I have made arrangements for all of us to go see an Elcor presentation of Hamlet. My treat. Tonight. Everyone is invited!"

Shepard adds, "That's an order, people. You heard the Man- Salarian- Salarian Man. Whatever." Shepard sighs and Mordin cocks his head.

Joker mumbles in the background, "_Smooth_, Commander."

"I can't wait!" Mordin jumps up and down like a kid who got a free sucker.

Shepard stares. "Happy are you?"

Embarrassed, Mording slinks back to the lab.

Shepard shakes it off, and walks up the hall to the bridge of the Normandy. She shoos the Co-Pilot away so she could sit in the chair. "Boy, that Mordin..."

Joker continues pressing his buttons and completely ignoring every word Shepard said.

Shepard notices that he's too busy making love to the ship and calls out for EDI.

"Yes, Commander?" The AI responded swiftly.

"EDI, I need you to make a donation to the Elcor Theater and Arts Association on the Citadel, please, and have them set aside fifteen tickets for tonight's show."

"Done." EDI said, with other plans in mind.

The rest of the ride drolled on, well, according to Mordin, anyway. As the ship landed, Joker called everyone from the intercom.

"Hey, guys. We are at the Citadel, but you don't have time to goof off until after the show. It starts in 30 and we have to skedaddle. So, we all need to meet at the door leading from the docking bay. EDI, please take care of my ship."

Tali asked, "Wait, what about Legion? Is he coming?"

"I got it covered," Garrus said, his hand in Legions back and Legion sporting a mustache.

"What the hell?"

"I'm a ventriloquist. He's my puppet. We don't go anywhere without each other, do we L?"

"We still do not understand, Garrus Vakarian."

Grunt came around with Joker's wheelchair which he stole from Dr. Chakwas, who was on her way to Joker. For some reason, Grunt felt it his duty. No one asks, anymore.

They all gathered together at the door and met Bailey, who made himself their tour guide. They made their way to the theater. Oohing and awing from the new views, they finally make it to the door. They were slightly flushed, practically running the last little bit as they were running out of time.

"Here's the theater. Gotta go." Bailey ran off with his gun out. He turned his head back and yelled, "Nice puppet, Vakarian!" Garrus smiled.

"Gracious gesture: Shepard, good to see you and your crew. Enjoy your show."

The usher handed them each a program and their tickets, each labeled with their names.

Garrus whined, "Why do I have to sit in the front?"

Zaeed looked at Garrus's ticket. "You're in row A. That's the back, dumbass." He smacks Garrus on the back of the head.

"Oh. Well- You're a Varren's ass!"

Thane looks at Zaeed, Miranda on his arm, "When have you been to a theater to know? What have you seen, Zaeed?"

Zaeed just grunts, ignoring Thane and says to Miranda, "Shake that ass..."

Miranda hisses, "Dirty old man." They all begin to be seated.

(The seating arrangement is as follows:)

**Back**

Garrus Legion

Joker Kelly

Miranda Thane Zaeed Grunt Tali Jacob Jack

Chakwas Mordin Shepard Samara

**Stage**

Jack screams loudly as she tries to take her seat, "Dammit, Grunt! That was my foot!"

"Sorry!"

Miranda shushes them.

"Fuck you, Cerberus BitchCuntWhoreBitch!" Jack sits down as she shakes her fists at Miranda. "How dare she share a row with me..."

Jacob calms her down, "It'll be alright, Babe." He takes her hand and she turns to the stage.

Dr. Chakwas and Mordin are talking about sciency things while Shepard is flirting with Samara.

The lights dim. Only Tali seems to realize that they are the only guests at the theater.

Mordin begins to giggle in excitement.

The play begins and Garrus starts tearing up his program. _I don't know these Elcor anyway_. He makes a nice, sticky spit wad and throws it at Zaeed. It lands in his hair. He doesn't notice. Garrus grunts in disaprovement. He makes some more.

Joker and Kelly are holding hands, trying to enjoy the show for Mordin, even though it's boring as hell. Grunt constantly turns to Zaeed asking him questions about the play, bumping Tali every time he does. Jacob and Jack are making out, vigorously, bumping Tali the whole time they're doing it.

Garrus continues trying to make Zaeed notice he's hitting him with the spit wads, until Zaeed finally does. Zaeed lets out a war cry, "I DON'T KNOW!" and jumps over Joker and lands on Garrus, flailing as he's flying. Legion is zoned on the play and has no idea anything else is happening, trying to see with the pair of 3D glasses Garrus lended him.

Jack jumps up out of the kiss Jacob's giving her. You could hear the pop from the suction. "What the fuck did you just say, BITCH?" She threw shockwave at Miranda, shocking the whole row, except Thane, who jumps up to the rafters to finish the play.

Mordin began slouching in his seat, visualizing himself anywhere but where he was. Shepard pulled out her pistol and started shooting at Jack, who threw up a barrier. The bullet shells hit Tali.

Tali launches her combat drone at Jack.

Samara ignores them.

Dr. Chakwas pulls out her first aid kit.

The Elcor playing Hamlet screams off the stage to the audience, "Frustrated Yell: Please be quiet." No one heard, of course.

Mordin sinks lower.

C-Sec burst in the doors, interrupting the play, which continues on, because they are used to loud noises by now. They make every single one of them leave, after arresting Zaeed and tackling Tali. Grunt grabs both the C-Sec officers and head butts them together, then uncuffs Zaeed, who then proceeds to handcuff the officers together.

Grunt picks up Tali as they all leave. Garrus stays with Legion. Mordin, by this time, is so low in his seat he can't get up.

As soon as they get out the door, the play ends. "I need a drink." Zaeed scuttles off.

Mordin comes out the door following Dr. Chakwas, giving them all a very dirty look.

"Yeah, I'll take you up on that offer." Miranda follows.

"That ass."

Miranda rolls her eyes.

"Where's Thane?" Shepard is looking around for him.

"Here." He pops up behind her.

She screams, "GOD, you scared me. Assassins..."

Grunt says, "I guess I better take Tali to hospital," holding Tali in his arms, her nose bleeding.

"Coming with." Dr. Chakwas follows.

"I need a drink." Mordin follows Zaeed.


End file.
